Mom and My Babies Arrivials

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Take your journal and write a story from your life together. A cherished memory, recorded in this way, can help to remind you that your loved one is truly still with you. Deep in your heart, residing there always, those memories, those stories, will comfort you.

This one is from when I had McKayla. Mom was over the moon excited, this being her first ever grand baby. She was almost more excited then me! When it came time for baby to come, she was there during most of my induction and the laboring. Jimmy and I had made the decision that during the birth it would just be the two of us, so mom left when it was time to push. From what she tells me, she was in the waiting area and heard a cry. She knew right away it was her grand-baby! In her excitement to get to the room, she tripped and fell in the hallway. Thankfully she was uninjured, but it is a memory that will always make me smile.

When it came time for Natalie to come, it was again an induction that she was there for most of. I see it now as a HUGE blessing, but when they realized I was ready to push much sooner then expected, my mom was trapped in the corner of the room. I remember asking Jimmy if that was okay, that she stayed during. He could only reply that she didn't really have a choice. Mom was there and watched the second of her grand-daughters be born. I don't remember her reaction, but knowing she was there is an amazing thing to have in my heart.

Then there was Miss Alivia's birth. Because I had been sent home earlier that evening (you can read the whole story here) I wasn't sure it was the time, but asked Colleen, who was watching my kiddos, to call mom and tell her we were going. Mom said that all she did was get some clothes on and hop in the car. Yet again, she was in the waiting area, she'd just arrived, when she heard Alivia cry. She knew, yet again, that it was her grand-daughter. Mom didn't care that she "missed" the birth, she was just as happy to be holding that bundle in her arms.

Those are some memories that I can't ever forget. And now that they are here, my girls can read them and know how very excited their grandma was for them to be here.

Blessings

New Year Prayer

Ann Voskamp posted this on her facebook today and I just had to share. This is how I feel.

yeah, so the last year left us with some hidden bruises, Lord...... and yet there were still blessings that dressed our wounds.

You held us, when we didn't want to hold on, You loved us, when we couldn't love ourselves, You carried us, when we didn't know how to carry on.

And You pull us near tonight, the first night of the year, and Your Word gently lifts our chins: "The Lord bless you & keep you; the Lord make His face to shine upon you & be gracious to you; the Lord lift up His countenance upon you & give you peace.” Nu.6

You lift Your countenance, Lord, You lift Your face, & You shine right upon our unsure faces & Grace entirely blankets us ....

You lift Your face & look us slow right in the eye, look us full in the face — and looking deep into Your face -- there it is: unwavering peace. And all the unknowns of a new year with all its question-mark-days, undo themselves in the certain peace of Your steadying, holding gaze.

Dreams...

Had a dream last night. Dreamed that I got a surprise visit from my dad. He met me at my work, took me driving around. We called mom who was still alive, she was waiting at the house for us. Colleen "accidentally" spoke in the background. It was amazing. I was beyond surprised. To even see you in my dreams was wonderful. I love you and miss you so much mommy. It hurts to be starting a new year without you. I hope I can see you again soon in my dreams. I miss you!

How Do I Trust Again?

By: Suzie Eller

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8 (ESV)

We walked into the doctor's office fully expecting good news.

We walked out carrying a slew of pamphlets and news that we didn't see coming.

Cancer is a place we've been through before as a couple. Except back then it was me, and now it's him.

In the hours after his diagnosis, we attended a sweet birthday celebration for a grandchild. We danced under the stars at a family wedding. When the busy weekend finally passed, I sat in the living room with my Bible in front of me. Sun streamed in through windows as I grieved.

Lord, I don't want to do this again.

I glanced at my open Bible and read the Scripture verse in Jeremiah I'd committed to memory the week before:

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit."

As I memorized it, I had pictured a tall tree, its leafy branches hovering over the water, roots reaching for nourishment. The tree was laden with fruit, though everything else around it was burned and dry.

Now I sensed the heat coming our way. Hard decisions. Financial burdens. Emotional uncertainty.

With tears, I whispered the beautiful words over and over until they soaked into my heart: Blessed is the {woman} who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord.

Maybe you are in a hard place today. Perhaps it's a place you've encountered before, and it's the last place you wanted to be. I pray that Jeremiah's words bring guidance to you, as they do to me.

First, Jeremiah reveals that we can be honest about how we feel.

Sometimes, in that hard place, we don't give space to the feelings trapped in our hearts. We somehow believe that acknowledging our emotions is a lack of faith.

Jeremiah doesn't paint a pretty picture with his words about what is taking place. Instead, he describes intense heat that withers everything around the tree. But He also points to a God who is close by. Our God knows what we are going through. He's our safe place.

While we are being strong for others, He will be strong for you and me.

Second, we can run to the life-giving Source.

Hard places require wise choices. Hard places can make you feel empty. Yet there is a promise of refreshing that runs so deep that we are strengthened and nourished in spite of what is taking place.

Last, let's settle into this promise found in today's key verse: When we remain close to God in the hard places, there's fruit.

Because I've walked this path before, I know it to be true.

Fruit might come through joy that makes no sense in relation to circumstances.

Fruit can spring forth in laughter that erupts where darkness wants to take hold.

Fruit is the very real promise of eternity.

Fruit is planted inside of us as we hold tightly to a faith that is bigger than we are.

I'm still rocked by the news, and I still don't want to be in this hard place, but I know what to do. I'm pushing my roots deep in my faith. I'm scooting closer to my God in the midst of drought. I'm even anticipating the fruit that will drop from our lives as a result.

Today, let's whisper it together. Let's hold close to it in the hard place: Blessed is the {woman} who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord.

Dear Jesus, today I intentionally walk to the water and I dip my roots in deep to find all that I need in this hard place. Thank You for being my Source. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

TRUTH FOR TODAY:
Psalm 46:1, "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." (NIV)

Psalm 118:14a, "The LORD is my strength and my song." (ESV)

REFLECT AND RESPOND:
Matthew 11:28-29 offers rest when we feel overwhelmed. Isaiah 40:29-31 promises renewed strength. Romans 8:37-39 assures us that He keeps us company in hard places.
Read these verses and underline the words that describe what you need from God today.

These are just a few verses that really jumped out at me from the above.

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak. Isaiah 40:29

but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint. vs 31

Goodbye Grandma

Today, I lost another piece of my mom.

Her mother passed away around three pm pacific time.

I think I am taking it harder just because she is mom's mom.I feel like I am losing another connection to her.

I know that my grandma is at peace now. I hope she is with mom (though I also hope she isn't driving mom nuts like she did on earth!)  My grandma was not the easiest person to deal with. She was not the grandma you read about in books, she was never that affectionate, but she was a huge part of my life.

Every summer and every spring break we drove the six hours to Walla Walla to spend time with the Spalinger grandparents. I was so blessed to have every grandparent still alive until 2012.

I will never ever forget those weeks we spent up there. Playing on her property, exploring the barn (that we weren't supposed to be in!) trying to pet the sheep. It was a blast. I will share more memories as I continue through the grieving process, but for now I will stop. It's been a long day.